Stop Shoulding on Yourself: 3 Ways to Live the Life You Want
Do you ever catch yourself thinking, “I should be doing this,” or “I shouldn’t be feeling this way”? Many of us live our lives trapped in a cycle of “shoulds”—whether imposed by society, employers, family, or friends. This constant pressure can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and a sense that we’re not measuring up. As a therapist, I work with many clients struggling with anxiety and depression, much of which is fueled by negative self-talk rooted in these external expectations. The good news is, it’s possible to break free from the "shoulds" and live a more balanced and fulfilling life.
In this blog post, I’ll explore the concept of “shoulding,” how it impacts our mental health, and three actionable ways to shift from living a life of obligation to one that aligns with your true values and desires. You’ll learn how mindfulness, self-compassion, and values-based actions can help you reduce negative self-talk and feel more satisfied with your life.
The Importance of Values-Based Action
One of the most powerful ways to live authentically is through values-based action. This means making decisions and taking actions that align with your core beliefs, rather than acting out of obligation or fear of disappointing others. Values-based action provides a strong foundation for mental well-being because it’s rooted in what truly matters to you, not external expectations.
Many people get caught up in living according to societal or familial "rules," believing they must follow a certain path to be considered successful, happy, or worthy. However, when our actions are misaligned with our values, it creates inner conflict. Over time, this can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and depression.
When working with clients, I often help them explore their core values and identify areas where their actions are inconsistent with those values. This process helps them clarify what’s important to them—whether it’s family, creativity, health, or personal growth—and create a roadmap to live more in line with those priorities.
One quick exercise, adapted from Russ Harris, to identify your values is to imagine you are 80 years old looking back on your life today. Pause, take a few deep breaths and complete these three sentences:
I spent too much time worrying about ….
I did not spend enough time doing things such as ….
If I could go back in time, what I’d do differently is ….
When you get clear on what is truly important to you and you start taking values-based action, you’re no longer driven by external “shoulds,” but by a deep internal compass that leads to a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Recognizing "I Should" vs. "I Want"
One of the most important steps toward living the life you want is becoming aware of the language you use in your internal dialogue. Many of my clients struggling with anxiety and depression often catch themselves thinking, “I should do this” or “I shouldn’t feel this way.” These “should” statements are subtle, yet powerful indicators of the pressure we place on ourselves to conform to expectations that may not reflect our true desires.
The problem with living by “shoulds” is that it creates a sense of obligation, rather than genuine motivation. When you live in the realm of “I should,” you’re more likely to feel guilt, resentment, or frustration when you don’t meet those expectations. Over time, this disconnect between what you think you should do and what you truly want can erode your sense of self-worth and lead to burnout.
To shift from “I should” to “I want,” start by noticing how often you use the word “should” in your thoughts or speech. When you catch yourself using it, pause and ask yourself: “Is this something I really want, or is this something I feel obligated to do?” This simple shift in awareness can open up space for you to make more conscious, values-driven choices.
For example, instead of thinking, “I should go to that afterwork event,” try reframing it as, “Do I want to go to this event, or am I feeling pressured by external expectations?” By making this shift, you give yourself permission to prioritize what truly matters to you, rather than living out of obligation.
The Role of External Pressures
It’s impossible to talk about “shoulding” without acknowledging the significant role that external pressures play in shaping our beliefs and behaviors. Society, family, friends, employers, and social media can all contribute to a narrative of how we’re expected to live our lives. These external forces often encourage us to pursue goals or adopt lifestyles that are out of sync with our own needs and wants.
External pressures can be particularly strong when they come from people we care about or respect. Many of my clients feel torn between wanting to meet the expectations of their family, friends, or employer and honoring their own desires. This tension can lead to significant inner conflict, as they feel pulled in multiple directions, trying to please everyone but themselves.
Recognizing the impact of these external pressures is key to breaking free from the cycle of “shoulding.” It involves taking a step back and asking yourself whose expectations you’re really trying to meet. Are they yours, or someone else’s? When we live by others’ expectations, we often sacrifice our own happiness, which can result in feelings of resentment, frustration, and inadequacy.
Learning to set boundaries and communicate your needs is essential in overcoming the pull of external pressures. By doing so, you can create space to live in alignment with your values, rather than constantly striving to meet the expectations of others.
How Living with "Shoulds" Leads to Guilt and Shame
One of the most harmful aspects of living by “shoulds” is the emotional toll it takes. When we don’t meet the expectations we believe we should be living up to, we often experience guilt and shame. These emotions are common among my clients, particularly those with anxiety and depression. They feel guilty for not being the perfect employee, partner, parent, or friend, and this guilt often spirals into deeper feelings of shame and self-criticism.
The cycle of guilt and shame can be hard to break because it’s self-reinforcing. When you feel like you’re not measuring up, you might double down on your efforts to meet those “shoulds,” leading to more stress and burnout. And when you inevitably fall short again, the guilt and shame intensify, making it even harder to break free from the cycle.
Living with constant “shoulds” also makes it difficult to practice self-compassion. Instead of acknowledging that you’re doing your best under challenging circumstances, you might harshly criticize yourself for not doing enough. Over time, this pattern can contribute to a negative self-image and reinforce feelings of unworthiness.
3 Ways to Live a More Harmonious and Balanced Life
Now that we’ve explored the damaging effects of living by “shoulds,” let’s look at three actionable ways to shift toward a more harmonious and balanced life:
Practice Mindfulness:
Mindfulness is a powerful tool for becoming aware of the “shoulds” that dominate your internal dialogue. By practicing mindfulness, you can observe your thoughts without judgment and recognize when you’re engaging in negative self-talk or trying to meet external expectations. The more you can tune into your thoughts and emotions, the easier it becomes to make conscious choices that align with your values.Start by setting aside a few minutes each day for mindfulness practice. This can be as simple as sitting quietly and observing your breath, or paying attention to your thoughts as they arise throughout the day. Over time, mindfulness can help you build greater self-awareness and break free from the automatic “should” thinking that leads to guilt and shame.
Cultivate Self-Compassion:
Self-compassion is essential for breaking the cycle of guilt and shame. When you’re constantly berating yourself for not meeting certain expectations, it’s easy to feel like you’re never good enough. By practicing self-compassion, you can learn to treat yourself with kindness, even when you fall short of those “shoulds.”A helpful way to cultivate self-compassion is to ask yourself how you would treat a friend in the same situation. If a friend were struggling with the same feelings of guilt or inadequacy, you likely wouldn’t criticize them; you’d offer understanding and support. Try extending that same kindness to yourself, and remember that it’s okay to be imperfect. You are worthy of love and respect, no matter how many “shoulds” you think you’ve failed to meet.
Connect with Your Values:
One of the most effective ways to stop “shoulding” on yourself is to connect with your core values. When you’re clear on what matters most to you, it becomes easier to make decisions that align with your desires, rather than living out of obligation. Take time to reflect on your values—what brings you joy, fulfillment, and purpose?Once you’ve identified your values, use them as a compass to guide your actions. When faced with a decision or a situation where you feel pressured to meet someone else’s expectations, ask yourself: “Does this align with my values? Is this something I truly want, or is it something I feel obligated to do?” By consistently making values-based choices, you can live a life that feels more authentic and fulfilling.
Embrace the Life You Want
If “shoulds,” guilt, perfectionism, or fear of disappointing others are shaping your decisions, therapy can help you understand where those patterns come from and begin making choices that reflect your own values and needs. I offer in-person therapy in Wellesley and online therapy throughout Massachusetts.
Learn about anxiety and perfectionism therapy
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Veselina Hristova Jones, LICSW, is a Boston-area therapist based in Wellesley, MA, who specializes in anxiety, depression, and relationship issues. She provides compassionate, evidence-based therapy to adults across Massachusetts through secure online sessions, as well as in-person therapy for clients in Wellesley, Newton, Weston, Needham, Natick, and Framingham.
